whats the difference between an elephant and a police car? . . . . an elephant has a trunk in the front and an a$$hole in the back. a police car has an a$$hole in the front and a trunk in the back
whats are similarities between Kmart and Michael Jackson? . . . . they both have little boys underwear...1/2 OFF
What are similarities between MCdonalds and michael jackson? . . . . the both have thirty year old meat stuffed btween ten year old buns
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny and with an air of confidence, he leans in with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he asks her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (now horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "I beg you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to tattoo a $100 bill on his dick. The tattoo artists tells him if he can give three good reasons why he wants a $100 bill tattooed on his dick, he'll do it for free.
"First", the man replied, "I like to keep my money in my pants. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, I want to see how fast my wife blows a $100." -
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton. Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad. Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat. Buy too much pussy and you will get poor. Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five. Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable. Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain God. Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment. Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.
The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.
A girl is having sex for the first time. Her mother says to her, "If you have any questions come down and ask me." The girl then goes upstairs and finds the guy taking off his shirt. She runs dowstairs and yells, "Mom he has hair on his chest!" The mother says "That is just a manly sign." So the girl goes back upstairs to find the guy taking off his pants. She runs downstairs and yells, "Mom, he has hair on his legs!" The mother says, "Oh, that is just a manly sign." So the girl goes back and finds him taking off his socks. She counts five toes on one foot and three toes on the other. She runs downstairs yelling, "Mom. he has a foot and a half!" The mother says, "Move over this is a job for Momma!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ****.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
1) Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be 2) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money. 3) Hi. Are you cute? 4) Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes. 5) Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine? 6) Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? 7) Can I have a picture? I want Santa Claus to know exactly what to get me for Christmas. 8) If stars would fall everytime I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty. 9) If looks were against the law you'd be arrested, booked, and jailed for life. 10) I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little. 11) Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back. 12) You must be a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room. 13) Pinch me... You're so fine I must be dreaming. 14) Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven! 15) Ouch! My tooth hurts! ...Because you are sooo sweet! 16) If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 17) You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life! 18) Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down... go ahead say no. 19) Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right. 20) Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself with it and say, "Let's you and me get out of these wet clothes." 21) I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you? 22) I've got an alarm clock that makes the best sound in the morning. Would you like to come and hear it? 23) You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad. 24) Baby, if you were words on a piece of paper, you'd be what they call fine print. 25) If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 26) Is it hot in here or is it you? 27) I'm new in town... Could you give me directions to your apartment? 28) You with all those curves, and me with no brakes !!! 29) Do you have a sunburn baby, or are you always this hot? 30) Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? 31) Wanna know what would look good on you.. Me. 32) Do you like blueberries or strawberries, because I want to know what kind of pancakes to order in the morning. 33) I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me? 34) Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine... 35) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 36) Thats a nice outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my floor. 37) Do you sleep on your stomach? ...Can I? 38) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house? 39) Are you from Tennessee? You must be... because you're the only ten I see. 40) Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth! 41) Come over to my house and lets do math, subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and we'll multiply. 42) For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me. 43) You are the only reason why I came in here alone. 44) Hey I see your wearing clothes, I'm wearing clothes, you know we have something in common we should get together and do something sometime. 45) I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast. 46) When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons. 47) Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you." 48) Who stole the stars and put them in your eyes? 49) If you were a pair of pants I'd wear you out!! 50) Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
sorry steve i noe u said post shorter ones but this one is pretty funny
Message: I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends off or public holidays I work in a damp environment I dont get paid for overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work period You do not always follow the orders of the management team You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas You do not take intiative- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working you leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift you dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well befor reaching 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
